This is a very different post from what y'all have been seeing, but I've been feeling like I really need to get this out. Everyone struggles with confidence issues and hopefully, while I can help some of you, some of you can help me as well.
I'll be honest with you. No one is perfect.
I've been lucky enough to have amazing confidence for pretty much my whole life. I've never struggled with body issues, like many girls my age, and I've never questioned my worth (something I learned from my father, which deserves a whole other post for itself). I've been lucky enough to have parents who only raised me up and never brought me down. That's not to say I haven't encountered body issues, I just never myself dealt or struggled with them. Many of my friends and family members struggled with body frustrations throughout their life, something I just didn't understand because of my own lack of insecurity about myself.
This year's been a particular struggle for me when it comes to confidence. Going through a difficult relationship late last year and early in 2015 caused me to constantly question my self-worth for the other people around me, friends or romantic interests or family. Living in NYC with the world of instant delivery food brought me lots of salt and sweets at 3 am. Living at college threw my inner clock off and every time seemed like a good time to eat everything in sight. Being an emotional person, going through changes in relationships and figuring out what I was supposed to do on my own took a toll. Being an emotional eater, it just added stress onto my body. However, somehow throughout all this, I ended the year incredibly happy, feeling fulfilled and actually having lost weight in college and feeling more confident than ever.
But, recently something's changed. I don't find my strength in my confidence any more. I still never question my worth, but I'm finding it more difficult to tap into that inner confidence. To be fully honest, recently, I've been at my unhealthiest. Everything has its fluctuation. I worked out a lot last summer, and kept myself active throughout the year. I came home from school and became a couch potato. Going to Italy and eating everything in sight didn't exactly help the issue. Since I've come home from Italy in the past month, I've realized that while yes, food brings me so much joy and I would whole-heartedly describe myself as a foodie, somewhere along the way, this relationship with food has become unhealthy. I've felt exhausted everyday because I'm not eating the right foods and I've noticed more intense migraines throughout the year. Something's gone wrong and I'm really feeling it.
In light of all of that venting, I realized and decided recently that I seriously have to change my lifestyle. I've been exercising quite a lot recently, and that's going to continue and be added on to. I also recently mentioned that I've gone gluten-free, pretty much permanently, to help my migraines. I'm also just going to change the way I've been treating my body. I've been kinda low on energy and feeling sluggish, so out goes all that bad stuff and in goes all that good healthy green goodness. I've been making the changes pretty quickly over the past few days and it still seems incredibly daunting to so quickly change how and what I eat. What's been hardest for me is seeing the dip in my confidence. I've been wondering if my lack of body issues throughout my life was a mask for me ignoring that I should be healthier. Questioning if I really should be, or should have been, as confident as I was/am. And that's been the hardest part- just wondering if this safe and good and healthy sense of "I am a good and good enough person" has been actually not good for me.
It might seem strange that I'm putting something so personal out for everyone to read, but it's a way of me keeping myself accountable and a way for everyone else to realize that everyone else out there is human. Everyone struggles with seeing what their friends post online and then saying to themselves "wow, ____'s life seems so perfect. They look so happy with everything." This is kind of to say, don't believe what you see! We're all struggling a little bit, and it's okay. FOMO is a real thing, and it's okay.
This isn't to say you need to worry about me. I'm really doing okay- I have a fab-tastic family who supports me in everything I do, and I have amazing friends and health-nuts I keep around me that root me on. It's just a little bump in the road, but I wanted to keep you guys all looped in so you can share the adventure with me.
And don't worry, you'll still see ice cream and treats and things, I'm not going all fitness guru on you, don't worry ;)
If you have any tips on green eating, gluten-free foods, and general changes in diet, I'm happy to hear ideas! Thanks for the support, all y'all.